Life and loss in the time of Covid
When my father-in-law passed away in 1976 at the youthful age of 56, my mother-in-law wore black for a year. This is an age-old tradition, that a wife wears black to mourn her husband, but even in the seventies, not many people did that anymore.
I can remember that it had touched me deeply to see that visible sign of grieving and I do not know if it is good or bad that this tradition has ceased in modern society. “There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.” Quote from Hamlet. (This could be a debate for another day, methinks.)
To this day, however, black is mostly the preferred colour to wear to funerals and is the colour associated with death and mourning. “In Christian symbolism, Black denotes the Holy Spirit, it is the colour of Pentecost and is the liturgical colour of Good Friday.” www.wou.edu.com “Black has many spiritual properties and is associated with cleansing situations and grief. It can represent forgiveness and absolution.” www.quornesha.com
Both my parents as well as two of my siblings have passed away from other causes long before Covid, but I have an intimate knowledge of the devastation that death can bring. Now, in the time of Covid, the chance of recovery from this disease takes on a whole new level of uncertainty. We don’t know whom of those diagnosed with Covid will die and who will make it, there is no pattern. Old people as well as younger ones die, some with co-morbidities die and some don’t, and people without co-morbidities do not make it. Seemingly healthy people die from Covid days after being diagnosed, others recover after months in ICU.
The ominous cloud of uncertainty is always hovering above, making it so difficult to look for the positive that is also ever present. So many of us have lost family and friends to Covid that by now we almost start to go numb with pain and shock. Yet some people still deny the obvious and choose not to adhere to safety measures.
Life goes on, as it should, but people are hurting. If wearing black all those years ago was helpful to the ones remaining behind, is it not a pity that people no longer wear that outward sign of mourning? To me it signifies “I am getting on with my life but give me time to mourn and get accustomed to this new phase of being.”
Nobody wants to be pitied, but just be careful to label other people’s feelings; it could be empathy, sympathy, or solidarity rather than pity, and you can lose out on the solace to gain from that. In general, people mean well but do not know how to help or what to say. Never hesitate to let your family and friends know what you need.
Only those affected by death know how alone the bereaved feel after the funeral and the days and months that follow. Trying to adjust to a life where there is this big hole that can only be filled by the one who is no longer with us. No one experiences grief the same, mourns in the same way or for the same length of time. I wonder if people sometimes feel pressure from society to stop crying and get on with life.
Celebrating a loved one’s life is necessary and wonderful but let us not deny the need to grief as well. Unfortunately, there are no short cuts. Time also does not heal everything, but the pain abates, and you learn to live with the loss.
Allow yourself to fully experience the emotions of unbearable loss, it is helpful in the end. Repressed emotions tend to manifest as physical stress which in turn affects blood pressure, memory and self-esteem.
With love and kindness, till we chat again.
Shirley Rose
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