On life quakes and other calamities

For as long as I can remember, I had trouble falling asleep because of my monkey brain. Over the years I have tried many suggestions: from drinking milk and honey or chamomile tea, reading (which I do every night anyway), and having a nightly routine before going to bed including no screen time at least an hour before bed.

A combination of an evening routine, chamomile tea, reading, and listening to podcasts on the “Calm” app works for me. One of my favorite podcasts is “The Spiritually Hungry” hosted by the husband-and-wife team Monica and Michael Berg. The other night, Monica used the term “life quake” and isn’t it so descriptive of what sometimes happens to us?

Many of us have encountered a life quake or trauma that can feel like we are completely thrown off our axis. Like the time when the finality of death takes a loved one away forever or a serious accident, the diagnosis of a life-threatening illness, losing your job, or your home is destroyed by a fire or something like the dam burst in Jagersfontein.

You are caught off guard and it takes time and resilience to recover and handle a life quake. The dictionary defines “resilience” as “The capacity to withstand or recover from difficulties. Toughness.”

On the other hand, what about those of us living every day with life challenges like substance abuse, a mental illness, a stressful job, violence, and the list goes on. Coping with an ongoing stressful situation or compound trauma could be even worse than one isolated life quake.

Some people find solace and strength in their faith, some seek help from life coaches, psychologists and therapists. The fact is, there is no magical quick fix and many who hope for it, struggle even more to cope.

You are fortunate if you can pay trained people to teach you the required coping tools because we know their services do not come cheap. Many of them, however, basically teach the same skills. If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are many websites where you are able to read up on these coping skills.

Another option is finding someone to support you: A good friend or family member; someone who can be objective, take your hand and walk with you, step by difficult step.

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How can I help someone who is going through a life quake?

• Show empathy and compassion by use of non-verbal clues and positive gestures such as open body language, listening, and making eye contact. www.blog.medicalgps.com

  1. Give your friend/family member time to talk at their own pace - it is important not to pressure or rush them.

  2. Focus on listening.

  3. Don't blame or criticize their reactions.

  4. Accept their feelings.

  5. Use the same words they use.

  6. Don't dismiss their experience.

  7. Only give advice if you are asked to. www.mind.org.uk

     • Find out as much as you can about the situation so you can understand something about what to expect. Make time to be with the person and make it obvious that you are available.

     • Allow the person to talk about what happened even if they become upset. Do not take their feelings like anger, irritation and emotional outbursts personally.

     • Don't insist on talking if the person does not want to.

     • Try to make sure if there is someone else they can talk to if they don't want to talk to you.

     • Offer practical support like grocery shopping or picking up kids from school.

     • Encourage the person to take good care of themselves by eating well, avoiding alcohol/drugs, and attempting to maintain regular sleeping habits.

     • You may let the person have time by themselves but strike a balance so tt ml mmmhat they do not isolate themselves from others.

     • Help them to relax and get involved in activities such as walking or swimming or just getting out in nature.

     • Find ways to make them smile or laugh.

What not to do or say:

• Don't insist they need professional help - not everyone who experiences a traumatic event needs therapy.

• If there are difficult decisions to be made, discuss the situation and the different options with the person, but do not decide for them.

• Don't think you know how the person should feel, think or behave.

• Don't use general phrases like "Look on the bright side." or "Look for the silver lining" but help them think about what they do have. www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au

Let kindness be your superpower and be kind to yourself and to others.

Loving-kindness from me till we chat again.

Shirley Rose

Other sources: Pinterest