Tuesday 10 May 2022
Today is not a good day, and neither was yesterday or the day before, but you would not know unless I told you.
There are many reasons why I hide my feelings, like, I don’t want to be the negative one, the Debbie Downer, the one with the long/sad face; the list goes on. I did not feel like writing today, I did not want to get out of bed. But I did. I got up and started doing things like washing dishes and doing laundry. All the time feeling that I am bearing a heavy weight on my shoulders.
You see, for years I have struggled with depression. Oh, I have many good days because I am on medication and have acquired some tools to deal with it over the years. But when that black cloak envelops you, all you want to do-, is nothing.
The darkness creeps up on you and you can feel it coming, but there is nothing you can do to stop it. You get up, get dressed and force yourself to go about your business while riding out the horrible waves of gloom and negativity. Sometimes there are triggers, like when something unpleasant happened or being around sadness or illness. Being an empath to boot, I absorb the energy around me like a sponge.
Late this morning, I sat my butt on the chair, looked for inspiration, and came upon this quote by Lori Deschene: “You don’t have to be positive all the time. It is perfectly okay to feel sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, scared, or anxious. Having these feelings does not make you a negative person. It makes you human.”
This is something I always preach: that you are entitled to your feelings. The problem for me is that I do not always know how to deal with the dark cloak, especially when everything seems to be fine. Don’t you need a reason to feel miserable? Are you just being ungrateful for feeling down for no good reason? But this has nothing to do with logic.
Depression is a difficult illness to navigate. Many people do not understand it, because there are no visible signs like wounds and for some, it just does not make sense. There are many ways depression manifests, so it may not present in the same way in any two people, even though there are similar symptoms.
It can be exhausting- all that mental and physical energy needed to cope. That is the reason why most people just can't manage. Fortunately, the cloud lifts after a few days. By that time, you have depleted all your power and need time to build up your energy- levels again. It can be tough if you live with people who do not understand or appreciate all the effort you put into coping.
On the other hand, it is just as tough to live with someone who suffers from depression. That is one of the reasons I do everything I can to live with the pretense of normalcy through an episode. Maybe that is also my saving grace because if I lived on my own, why would I make such an effort?
Wishing you everything you need for today.
Till we chat again.
Shirley Rose