RELATIONSHIPS
"The way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected." Oxford Dictionary of English
We are all in relationships. Relationships with family members, friends, acquaintances and romantic partners. Added are work relationships and the relationships we have with groups or a community.
No man is an island, ergo relationships and relationships are hard. The reasons why are numerous and we learn some tough lessons in the school of life as we go about our journey.
We start out in a family and whatever our unique family looks like, it can be a safe space or fraught with relationship-potholes.
Parents, absent or present, bring baggage from their own upbringing into the new unit and from there it can go horribly wrong. Much heartache could be prevented if a license or some qualification to have a child was a non-negotiable requirement. We need one of those before they let us lose on the road in a car, for a job and a host of other privileges, but anybody can go ahead and have a child.
Parents are only human and nobody can expect them to be perfect, but parenting requires basic requirements like providing the child you brought into this world with love, food, shelter, structure, guidance and security. A child learns early relationship-skills through interaction with other family members. When parents are un-healed from their own childhood traumas, a vicious circle is perpetuated.
Why are relationships so hard? Healthy relationships require skills and if we did not acquire basic skills to build on in our childhood home, we need to get acquainted with it for our own as well as for our children’s sake.
Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations of how a relationship should be such as expecting people to know what we think and want. According to Buddha, the best way to avoid disappointment, is not to expect anything from anyone. Between these two extremes, we need to find the balance.
In any normal relationship, people will experience conflict. Many of us will do anything to avoid conflict, which does not solve anything. The ultimate avoiding tactic of leaving a relationship will only postpone a problem to the next relationship. The healthy way of dissolving conflict requires conflict resolution skills which can be learnt and practiced. Sometimes though, after putting in the work, it is healthy to walk away.
The more intimate a relationship, the more opportunities for misunderstandings and heartache. To open yourself up and to be vulnerable, is not easy. You must trust a person to be vulnerable and sometimes people abuse that trust. If you had trust issues to begin with, betrayal could be soul destroying.
A person who does not share your values, could hardly be a friend let alone a life partner. You may have some shared interests, but before getting serious in any relationship, spare yourself a lot of trouble by getting to know a person’s values.
Opposites attract. Personal traits and habits may be perceived as interesting, endearing, cute, funny, fascinating in the beginning of a relationship. Those very same characteristics could drive you crazy after living with someone who are very different from you. On the other hand, being in a relationship with someone who mirrors you, can be very boring. Take time to know a person and accept differences you can live with.
It is futile to compare relationships and circumstances or to wish for things or people to be different. The only person you can change, is you. Langenhoven het jare gelede al gesê: “Om te verwag iemand sal na die troue verander, is soos om ‘n blous te koop wat te klein is en hoop dit sal regkom met die dra.” There is not better than here and we all know why the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
“Happily-ever-after”, a myth? We get married and expect to live happily ever after as if the marriage ceremony is a magic wand. There are couples who get it right, but magic has nothing to do with it. A successful relationship requires the commitment of two people who want to build a life together. It takes maturity, acts of love, kindness, acceptance, boundaries and respect to live happily ever after.
Life throws many curve balls and if you can trust each other, be in each other’s corner and have your partner’s back, you have the basis of a good relationship.
Till we chat again, may you be happy.
Love and light.
Shirley Rose
References: www.mindbodygreen.com, www.mbcareno.com, Pinterest for quotes, Wixsite for pictures and last but not least, The School of Life.